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Tired of being single, and with a lack of actual gaming stuff to write about, I decided to cross a line and delve into the murky world of mobile dating apps. The four I tried were: Tinder, Blendr, Grindr, and Plenty of Fish (POF). Now nearly a month later I emerge a broken man (well, kind of) with a few words to say about each, and my experiences within. Grab some popcorn and gear up for some vitriol. I’m not a happy bunny.
Tinder
Ah, Tinder. A popular app, used by millions, that’s great for meeting horny people near you. Or is it? Tinder is a newish breed of dating app where you put up a profile picture and let people judge you. They swipe right if they like you and left if they don’t. If you like someone and they like you back, it’s a match! Super simple stuff and theoretically great, but in practice (for the average and less-attractive like myself) it’s a bit of a self-esteem black hole. The other thing about Tinder is that it only seems to attract a certain type of person. To put it as simply and kindly as possible, I did not see anyone who also liked “Jens Kidman’s Face” on Facebook.
Okay, that’s not strictly fair. I know a fair few couples who met and started long term relationships on Tinder. Then again I do know shallow fucks that use it to stroke their fragile egos without any intention to meet or date their matches, and have dick waving contests to see who can get the most likes.
Over a two week period I managed to get a grand total of five matches on Tinder. I am told that this is good going, but when three of those turned out to be offering escort services at apparently reasonable rates, and the other two did not reply to my initial “Hi, how are you?”, I would not exactly call this success. The problem is twofold. Firstly, Tinder is a very shallow app. I know that as a man with a large waistline that’s very easy to say but hear me out. First impressions are very important and 90% of that is your profile picture as you have to press a whole other button to bring up their bio (I know, effort right?). Secondly, this type of app favours women greatly. If a man and a woman of equal conventional attractiveness were to use Tinder, it’s likely that the woman would get more likes than the man. What I will say in Tinder’s favour though is that setup is super easy. Your info other than picture and bio is ported over from Facebook, so all of the shitty pages you like, including that one about Neville Longbottom fighting Voldemort in a cardigan, will already be there without any effort on your part. All you have to do is choose your least unflattering picture and write some drivel about yourself and you are good to go. This doesn’t make me think this is any less awful as a whole though.
Final Thoughts: No, I would not like to pay $120 for an escort service offered by your poorly localized bot profile.
Blendr
Blendr is actually far better in terms of layout and options than Tinder. For a start you can look for men, women, or both at once, which is already a massive step up. The layout and general look of the app is much more pleasant too. Furthermore, you can see who “likes” you without having to blindly like them back. People can also rate your pictures, for better or worse (I hope you guys and gals have a thicker skin than I). I also actually managed to hold a conversation with a few people which was great. Other than that, it was pretty much the same as Tinder, so not much else to say really other than that I am a bit puzzled that this app is less popular. Maybe it’s because it’s a bit easier to piss about on Tinder? One unique problem though, was that one of my pictures was not allowed because the gender in the photo was apparently mismatched with the profile. Okay, so I have a C-cup and long hair, but I am male.
Blendr does offer a premium service, but as of yet I’m not entirely sure what is behind the pay wall other than promotion of your profile, as the internet is full of guides on how to buy this service (known as “Blendr super powers”), but not many on what they actually do for you.
Final Thoughts: I really am a man, I swear.
Grindr
What is it with dating apps and dropping the ‘e’ from ‘er’? Grindr is a dating app targeted at gay, bisexual, and bicurious men. Here in the UK there are more users per 1000 people than in any other country, so surely I had a chance finding someone nice, right? Right? Wrong. What I will say for Grindr though is that I got a lot more attention there than anywhere else. Unfortunately it was from people who were seeking a quick liaison and nothing more. I did not get replies from many guys looking for a relationship and those who did politely declined to meet for a date (other than one rather unkind man who was a bit of a dick about it). Oh well, I guess I wasn’t their type. If you are a man looking for the company of another man though, you could do worse than Grindr (I think?) One of my closest friends is currently in a very happy relationship with a guy he met through the app, so it can work if you are looking for something a little more long term too.
One of the potential issues with Grindr is that anyone can send you a message (or picture) with no need for you to accept a friend request or anything like that. While I wasn’t exactly popular, I have spoken to people who receive upwards of fifty messages per day. There isn’t much stopping your inbox from being inundated with blurry close-ups of erect penises either. This is puzzling considering the strict profile picture and text rules, which you can read for yourself here (I am told that the list used to be much longer). I’m also slightly unsettled by the fact that the app can tell people how far away you are from them in feet, but that’s just me.
Final Thoughts: “Hey, cutie!”
Plenty of Fish
This is the most conventional of the dating apps that I used. Set up a profile, get matched with people, go on a date (in theory)! It even gives you the option of describing your preferred first date. You also get a tag line tht people see next to your profile picture. This is more than Tinder and Blendr give you, but most people use it to write inane crap or attempt to be profound. I opted for half a joke, hoping that people would go and look at my bio for the punchline. Not sure if it worked, but I did get a couple messages from people.
Plenty of Fish, like Blendr, has a premium service. One of the features of this service (that they try to sell you constantly) is that you get to see if people have seen your messages. Now, I’m not sure if any of you remember Facebook before they implemented a similar system, but I would gladly pay not to know if people had seen my messages. There is little worse than asking someone if they want to come out for a drink and then getting nothing but “Seen at 18:31” in return.
Creating your profile is a little more long winded than Blendr or Tinder, as there is no Facebook integration, so you will have to put in absolutely everything manually. You also get to pick a personality type (apparently “tattooed/pierced” is a personality type these days), which is then used as a basis for matching you with others. Unfortunately, “Brvtal metal-head who bathes in the blood of his enemies” was not an option, so I settled for “TV/film junkie”. To its credit, I was matched with people who had a number of mutual interests with me. People I would be privileged to date, no less. This just made it all the more disappointing when they ignored my messages. Oh well, at least I don’t have to know whether they read them or not.
Final Thoughts: “Live life one day at a time”
Meet Metalheads
To wrap things up, I’ll say that if you are serious about looking for a relationship via online dating you should go for a purely premium service like Match or something like that. If someone is paying for that kind of service then you know they are going to be as serious as you are about finding someone and not just arsing about online for a laugh. To be honest, all joking aside, I don’t really think I could sincerely recommend any of these apps to anyone.
Metalhead Singles
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